


a world of options

by achilleees_tua



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Adult Number Five | The Boy, Aged-Up Character(s), M/M, Post-Season/Series 02, Sibling Incest, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:14:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26270230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achilleees_tua/pseuds/achilleees_tua
Summary: “So did you ask Five about me?” Klaus asked.“Was I supposed to do that?” Diego said.“You are the worst fucking wingman,” Klaus said.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Klaus Hargreeves (one-sided)
Comments: 72
Kudos: 310





	a world of options

**Author's Note:**

> warning: this fic is 99% banter and self-indulgence. endgame five/diego, heed the tags!
> 
> five's body is aged up, imagine early-20s.

“God,” said Klaus. “I was so right.”

“You probably weren’t,” Diego said, cutting a cantaloupe into cubes for the fruit salad.

“I was,” Klaus said. He waited, clearly expectant.

“I’m not going to ask, so you can give up on that,” Diego said, dumping the contents of the cutting board into the glass bowl.

Klaus huffed. “Why must you ruin my fun?”

“Do you really want me to ask, Klaus?”

Klaus perked up. “Yes.”

“Sucks to suck,” Diego said.

Klaus threw a bottle cap at him, which Diego neatly deflected in mid-air. “Hate that new power,” Klaus said. “That new power is what sucks.”

Diego smiled a little, pleased at the reminder, and pleased that someone else noticed. For so many years, he’d been Diego with the worst power, last on the magazine rankings, last in anyone’s consideration. “I’m bulletproof, baby.”

“Tell that to the scar on your temple,” Klaus said. “Does Five ever say anything about me?”

Diego looked at him.

“You know, while you’re training your new powers together in the basement,” Klaus said. “Does he talk about me?”

“Why would Five talk about you?”

“That’s not an answer,” Klaus said.

“Mostly he talks about training,” Diego said. “Weird physics shit. Momentum. Curvature. Angular velocity. Why would Five talk about you?”

Klaus stretched out, smug about having Diego’s attention after all. “Why wouldn’t Five talk about me? I’m interesting, Diego. People talk about me.”

“Five doesn’t talk about you,” Diego said, a little too sharp.

“Hmph,” Klaus said, screwing up his face. “Yet, maybe.”

“Whatever you’re thinking about, it’s not going to work,” Diego said.

“It might work,” Klaus said. “I am very pretty.”

Diego cored the pineapple, paying careful attention to the motion of his hands. “He’s not that desperate.”

“He spent 45 year in the apocalypse fucking a mannequin,” Klaus said. “In what way is he not that desperate?”

This wasn’t entirely inaccurate, Diego thought. “Maybe,” he said. “Whatever, fine, give it a shot. Just don’t come whining to me when he shoots you down.”

“Oh ye of little faith,” Klaus said.

Diego chopped the pineapple into cubes, less precisely than he’d done the cantaloupe. “What were you trying to get me to ask about before, anyway?”

“Oh,” said Klaus. “That Five would grow up _hot_. Vanya and Allison didn’t believe me in Dallas, but — they can’t deny it now, right?” He leaned in, swiping a cube of pineapple.

“Yeah,” Diego said.

Five really had grown up hot. He’d gone into the blue portal fresh-faced and downy-cheeked and come out with the jawline of a particularly over-the-top teen lit vampire.

More than his looks, it was his confidence and his cool reserve; the way his quiet voice carried in a cacophonous room; the devastating grey eyes that caught Diego like a quagmire. And Christ, the hottest thing about him was how well he knew his own appeal and how little he cared. On anyone else, Diego would call the indifference an act, but from Five, he really believed it.

And he was finally comfortable in his body, with none of the twitchy restlessness of his teenage form. He was handsome and assured and settled in his own skin, the confidence granted by years of wisdom mixed decadently with the heady flush of youth.

And Christ, his eyelashes went on for _miles_.

“You know Klaus has a thing for Five?” Diego asked Vanya, laying out the water balloons in a row on the tabletop.

“Yeah,” Vanya said. “He’s not very subtle about it.” She stepped back, squinting at the water balloons from across the room.

Diego picked up the tuning fork, but didn’t tap it yet. “Does Five know?”

“He has to, right?” Vanya said. “He’s smart.”

“Yeah, but he’s Five-smart. Five-smart and feelings-smart aren’t the same thing.”

Vanya thought about it. “Okay, fair. But Klaus _really_ isn’t subtle.”

“Like how?”

“I dunno,” Vanya said. “He follows Five around like a duckling. He saves his most outrageous stories to impress him. He makes it a point to do yoga in front of Five.”

“He looks like a stoned stork when he does yoga,” Diego said. “He really thinks that’s gonna render Five overcome with lust?”

“You know Klaus, any attention is good attention,” Vanya said. “Five doesn’t shut him down, which is the same thing as a yes in his mind.”

Diego pressed his lips together. “Five doesn’t shut him down?”

“I think Klaus amuses him,” Vanya said, shrugging. “He seems to like the company.”

Diego smiled a little. “Better than a mannequin, I guess.”

“A rousing endorsement, I’m sure,” Vanya said. “Why are you asking?”

“Klaus was asking me if Five ever talked about him,” Diego said. “Guess I’m wondering how serious about it he is.”

Vanya hummed. “Makes sense.”

Diego fidgeted with the tuning fork, unsatisfied with her noncommittal answer. “You know Five’s a little stunted relationship-wise,” he said. “Delores is on the healthier end of the spectrum, so. If Klaus is just trying to bone the cute twink, feels…”

“He’s not,” Vanya said.

“Great,” Diego said. “That’s great.”

He didn’t usually spend this much of his leisure time at the Academy — most days after training with Five and Vanya, he was out the door three minutes after wrapping up. But something held him back on that day, and he wasn’t stunted enough to lie to himself about what.

He headed upstairs at first, but the sound of a familiar voice pulled him in another direction, leading him to the parlor. Sidling up to the doorway, he peeked inside, trying not to be spotted.

For a moment, all he saw was Five.

He was sitting on the settee, legs tucked under him to the side, attention focused on the book in his raised hand. His other arm moved in a rhythmic stroke, and Diego’s gaze eventually followed it, over the the curve of his forearm and down his slender fingers to Klaus’s head in his lap.

Diego’s gut twisted.

“Never have I ever been to Japan,” Klaus said, turning his head under Five’s hand to look up at him.

“Done it,” Five said.

“Never have I ever jumped out of an airplane.”

Five turned a page one-handed. “Done it.”

“Never have I ever drunk shit coffee.”

“You’ve never had bad coffee?”

“No, I mean coffee that was shat out by a raccoon,” Klaus said.

“Ah,” Five said. “It’s a civet, actually. It’s quite good.”

“Wild,” Klaus said. “You are beating me in this game by roughly 40 points.”

“That’s because I’m not actually playing the game.”

“Yeah, funny how that works,” Klaus said. “Here, I’ll do your part. Never have you ever—“

“If you say something disgusting that I don’t want to know about your sex life, I will leave,” Five said.

“It’s so unfortunate that you hate joy,” Klaus said. “But fine, nothing sexual. Never have you ever… run a marathon.”

“Neither have you,” Five said.

“I might have.”

“Klaus,” Five said.

“I mean, I haven’t, but I did say I _might_ have,” Klaus said.

Five snorted.

“Never have you ever done a Jägerbomb.”

“I have, actually.”

“Jesus Chriiist,” Klaus said. “Never have you ever gone kayaking?”

Five’s hand paused its stroking as he looked up with a thoughtful frown. “You’re right, I haven’t.”

“Forty-one points to Klaus!” Klaus proclaimed.

Diego left. He could only imagine the way Klaus’s stomach must have fluttered at Five’s answering laugh.

“So?” Klaus said the next time he saw Diego, a few days after Diego had seen them in the parlor.

“So what?”

“So did you ask Five about me?”

“Was I supposed to do that?” Diego said.

“You are the worst fucking wingman,” Klaus said.

“You didn’t ask me to do that,” Diego said. “You can’t assume that someone is going to psychically intuit their wingman duties.”

“I asked you if Five talked about me,” Klaus said. “It was extremely apparent—“

“What are you hoping to get out of this?” Diego interrupted.

Klaus stared at him.

“Say Five figures out you’re into him,” Diego said. “Say, for the sake of argument, he’s into it. What’s your endgame?”

“I feel like that’s a trick question.”

“Christ, the fact that you think that,” Diego said. “If Five’s not your one and only, you’re wasting his time. He doesn’t mess around.”

“Oh, poppet,” Klaus said. “Do I seem like boyfriend material? Do I seem like _husband_ material?”

“Sure,” Diego said.

Klaus snorted.

“To the right guy, I think you could be,” Diego said. “Saying _I don_ _’_ _t do relationships, so I won_ _’_ _t bother trying_ is a cop-out. Five deserves better.” He paused, then, voice softening, “ _You_ deserve better.”

Klaus quirked his lips. “As sweet as that is, what if I just want a few dirty dumpster-shags with a guy who makes fun of me in bed?”

“Then you’re a dick for thinking that’s all Five’s worth,” Diego said. “Don’t even get me started on you thinking that’s all _you_ _’_ _re_ worth.”

Klaus’ lips parted. He forced a laugh. “You got cuddly in Dallas, huh? And here I thought you were all teeth and leather.”

“Klaus,” Diego said. “Cut the bullshit.”

“What do you want me to say?” Klaus said, voice thick with sarcasm. “Ooh, Diego, I’m so smitten with that little gremlin. I want to lie in bed whispering sweet nothings late into the night. I fantasize about his dimple.”

“Yeah,” Diego said, voice quiet. “That’s what I wanted you to say.”

Klaus inhaled. “Well, I said it. Are you happy?” His eyes were bright.

“I’m happy,” Diego said, heart clenching.

“Hey,” Diego said, as Five set up the various bottle caps and coins he would be flicking at Diego. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“I hate that question,” Five said. “Would you actually keep it to yourself if I said no?”

“Christ, fine, gimme a mulligan,” Diego said.

Five looked up at him expectantly.

“Hey,” Diego said. “I’m going to ask you a personal question.”

“I’m listening,” Five said, still looking at him.

“Do you like guys?” Diego said.

Five’s eyebrows rose. “What’s your guess?”

“I dunno,” Diego said. “I know you like women.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I mean, Delores,” Diego said. “But she’s the only clue I’ve got, so I don’t have much to go on.”

Five’s eyes curved with surprised pleasure — at Diego’s nonchalant take on his feelings for Delores, he assumed. “I’m not picky,” Five said, then amended, “Wait, that’s bullshit, yes I am.”

Diego snorted. “I was gonna say…”

“I’m not picky about gender,” Five said. “I’m picky about everything else.”

“Have you ever dated anyone seriously besides Delores?”

“I’ve had non-trivial relationships,” Five said. “I wouldn’t call it dating in either case.”

“With…?”

“The Handler, and Ethan,” Five said.

Diego blanched. “You fucked Lila’s mom?”

“On the contrary,” Five said. “You fucked the Handler’s daughter.”

“That’s the same thing.”

“Then yes,” Five said. “I fucked your girlfriend’s mom.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Diego said. He didn’t want to think about Lila, especially in the context of _Five fucking her megalomanic mother_. “Who’s Ethan?”

“My partner for a time at the Commission,” Five said. “You never met him.”

“I might have,” Diego said. “I worked at the Commission too, remember?”

“He’s dead,” Five said.

“Jesus,” Diego said. He looked at Five, sensing the shadow of the lifetime of grief that hovered over him like a raincloud. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Five shrugged, either indifferent or doing his best to act like it. “When you get to be my age, you’ll have your share of tragic romances too.”

“My ex-girlfriend got shot trying to save your ass,” Diego said. “I’m not exactly a wide-eyed ingenue, old man.”

“Ah,” Five said. “Yes. That.” He winced.

“That,” Diego agreed.

Klaus pounced as he left the basement. “Did you talk to him about—“

“I’m working up to it,” Diego said. “I needed to figure out if he was even into guys before I started wingmanning you hardcore.”

“That’s fair,” Klaus said. “Although I think the answer is fairly obvious. You’ve seen his hair.”

“That’s not gay hair, that’s prep hair,” Diego said.

“He wears pocket squares,” Klaus said.

“Yeah, _exactly._ _”_

“You’re too straight for this conversation.”

“I’m really, really not.”

Klaus blew a wet raspberry at him. “Alright, if it’s so impossible to tell, I must be wrong, then. Five doesn’t like guys, huh? I’m wasting my time?”

Diego scowled.

“Exactly,” Klaus said smugly. “Ask him about his type tomorrow.” He poked Diego. “Report back when he says it’s tall, ethereal elfin princes with lustrous hair and legs that go on for miles.”

“You look like a giraffe in a bad wig,” Diego said.

Klaus squawked in indignation.

“I’ll ask him,” Diego said.

“You’d fucking better,” Klaus said, kicking him in the shin.

“So,” Diego said during a break on their next day of training. He selected a carrot stick from the platter Grace had brought them, swiping it through the hummus. “Personal question for you.”

“Go ahead,” Five said.

“What’s your type?”

Hearing his own words aloud gave Diego a little shiver. He hadn’t intended for it to come out so low, curling with the same heavy intonation as someone might use on a girl in a club — _Come here often?_

If Five noticed, he didn’t react. “My type?”

“Yeah, what do you look for in a girlfriend, or boyfriend, or… non-trivial relationship partner, whatever,” Diego said. “What kind of attributes?”

“Physical or personality?”

“Both,” Diego said.

Five thought for a while. “Competent,” he said finally.

 _So, not Klaus_ , Diego thought, then felt a little guilty for it.

“Good with their hands. Quick on their feet. Someone who can argue without taking it personally. Keeps up the conversation on long car rides, doesn’t complain about getting caught out in the rain. Someone who knows they’re imperfect and wants to improve and holds me to the same standard. And they have to be smart,” Five said.

“Smart like you’re smart?”

“Not necessarily,” Five said. “Practical intelligence matters to me more than analytical intelligence. They don’t have to understand complex physics — but problem-solving, reading a room, playing life like a chessboard… I like that.”

“The Handler,” Diego said, stomach sinking.

“Her ability to strategize certainly drew me in initially,” Five said. “But she misses the forest for the trees. Too small-minded.”

“So — just for the sake of clarity, which one of the six of us best fits your definition of _smart_?” Diego said.

Five lapsed into silence, visibly working through the six of them in his mind one by one. “Bear in mind I don’t know any of you that well,” he said finally. “And that I might have had a different answer two weeks ago.”

“Is it Vanya?” Diego said.

“No,” Five said slowly.

Diego bit his tongue. “Is it Klaus?”

Five snorted. “Hardly. He’s clever, but I wouldn’t say he’s smart.”

“Christ, if you don’t think he’s smart, you must think I’m the dumbest person alive,” Diego said.

Five looked at him, surprised.

“Five,” Diego said. “C’mon.”

“Do you think you’re smart?” Five said.

Diego paused. “Why do you ask?”

“It’s not a trick question,” Five said. “Do you think that you’re smart?”

Diego sat back, thinking about it.

He didn’t speak as many languages as Five or Allison or Klaus. He didn’t know complex math and physics like Five or Luther; he didn’t read and enjoy classic literature like Ben or play an instrument like Vanya or plan chess ten moves in advance like Reginald.

But he could read a room. He didn’t know how to use that many tools, but put one in his hands and he’d figure it out. He only got quicker when he was under pressure, more alert, more astute. He was charming enough to be persuasive when he put in the effort, and he could take seemingly unrelated clues and use them to form a picture. Riddles had always come easily to him — in their youth, it had driven Five crazy.

“Yeah,” he said. “Laugh at me for it if you want, but I do think I’m smart.”

“Then why are you trying to convince me not to?” Five said.

Diego’s spine straightened, shoulders lifting, suddenly inflated with something lighter than air.

Every day, he fell a little harder for Five. A month more training with him and he’d be swooning at the little brat’s feet.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “Your point is taken. I’m just as smart as the other kids, and my mommy says I’m her brave boy, and my Spider-Man lunchbox isn’t lame.”

Five wrinkled his nose. “I’m not trying to talk down to you.”

“I know, I know, man,” Diego said quickly. “This is, uh, a me thing. I’m not always great at taking compliments when they’re not about my sweet ass and my sexy scar.”

“Well,” Five said. He flicked a bottle cap at Diego. “It is a pretty sexy scar.”

Diego looked up at him, startled to find Five smirking back, gaze focused as a goddamn laser and twice as hot.

He stared back. He could feel the back of his neck prickling, suddenly aware of his body as if inhabiting it for the first time.

 _Klaus_ , he thought, stunned and stupid.

“We should — train,” Diego said, voice thick.

“Right,” Five said, looking back down.

Immediately, Diego missed the intensity of his gaze.

Diego came out of the Academy and shut the door behind him, leaning back against it with his eyes closed. He swept his hands over his face. “Christ,” he said.

“Ooh, this looks interesting,” he heard from next to him, and ripped his hands away to reveal Klaus watching him with open curiosity. “Why the protagonist’s low moment, friend?”

“Who says I’m having a protagonist’s low moment?” Diego said, heart pounding like he’d been caught doing something wrong.

Klaus shrugged, holding a drag from his cigarette in his lungs and letting it out through his nostrils like a dragon. “The signs are there.”

“Well, I’m not,” Diego said. “Just… tired from training.”

“Making progress?” Klaus said.

“Yeah.”

“Let’s test that,” Klaus said, flicking the lit cigarette at him.

Diego instinctively redirected it before it could hit him, catching it with his powers so it hovered in midair and then dropping it to the ground. “Prick.”

Klaus giggled. “Just trying to help,” he said, sing-song.

“Bullshit you are,” Diego said.

“I could be,” Klaus said. He cocked his head. “So you’re really not going to talk about whatever this is.”

“This?” Diego said.

Klaus waved his hand up and down Diego’s body.

“There is no _this_ ,” Diego said. “I’m just tired from training. Five’s a little tyrant and he never lets up until I’m wiped out.”

The mention of Five distracted Klaus, just as Diego knew it would. “Hey! Did you—“

“Yeah, we talked about his type,” Diego said. “Remind me again why you can’t just ask him yourself?”

“I’m too smitten,” Klaus said breezily. “My heart is a tender, uh, damsel. She withers under his shining, um, radiance and… big dick energy.”

“That felt like a sentence you started without knowing where it was going.”

“Damn, and I thought I’d gotten away with it,” Klaus said, digging out another loose cigarette from his pocket and lighting it up. “So?”

“So what?”

“So what’s his type?” Klaus said impatiently.

“Smart,” Diego said. “Challenging. Competent.” He smirked. “Uncomplaining.”

“Fuck,” Klaus said.

“Tough break, kid,” Diego agreed.

“Ugh,” Klaus said. “Whatever. I can make this work. Is that all you got?”

“That felt pretty descriptive,” Diego said. “I dunno what else you want.”

“But his _type_ ,” Klaus said. “Does he like twinks? Blondes, redheads? Does he want someone skinny, or someone with some meat on them? Does he wanna get knocked around in bed or does he want someone who will kneel at his feet and let him knock _them_ around?”

“That’s not mutually exclusive,” Diego said.

Klaus waved his hand. “Are you missing the point on purpose?”

“Okay, so you wanted more physical attributes, I get it,” Diego said. “I’ll ask him next time I’m here.”

“Nooo,” Klaus said, grabbing his sleeve and keeping him there. “I can’t wait that long.”

“I’m back tomorrow, Klaus.”

“Yeah, but…” Klaus screwed up his face. “But.”

“You seriously want me to go back in there and ask him more prying questions about his type five minutes after we finished the _last_ prying conversation about his type?” Diego said.

Klaus looked at him, eyebrows raised, clearly seeing no problem with this.

“You owe me so fucking big,” Diego said.

He found Five in the kitchen, doing a crossword puzzle and eating fruit salad out of the serving bowl with his fingers.

“You’re awful,” Diego said.

“Am I?” Five said absently.

“Other people might want some of that,” Diego said.

“I wasn’t planning to finish it.”

“Other people might want some of that untouched by your grubby little kitten paws,” Diego said.

Five looked up. “I can’t imagine why anyone would mind my grubby little kitten paws.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly how you’re awful,” Diego said, stupidly endeared. He took the seat across from Five, snagging the bowl away from him.

Five let him, but he also tilted his face up with his mouth open.

 _Christ_ , that was an image. Diego cleared his throat, picking out a cube of watermelon and tossing it in an arc to land in Five’s waiting mouth.

“Thanks,” Five said, chewing. “Did you come back for a reason?”

“Not… really,” Diego said. “I just wasn’t, uh, finished with our earlier conversation.”

Five’s gaze sharpened, like a microscope coming into focus. “Oh?”

“Hi, guys,” Vanya said, coming in.

 _Shit,_ Diego thought.

She sat next to Five, looking at Diego. “Are you sharing that, or…?”

Diego slid the bowl over to her. “Yeah,” he said. “Five already picked through for all the good shit, FYI.”

“Sounds about right,” Vanya said, standing and going to get a bowl for herself. “Is it our day with training, Diego?”

“Nah, I just finished with him,” Diego said. “We’re on for tomorrow.”

“Cool,” Vanya said. “I’m ready to start whenever you are, Five, but no rush if you guys were in the middle of something.”

“Diego was just going to ask me more intimate questions about my love life, I believe,” Five said.

 _Shit, shit, shit_ , Diego thought.

“Was he?” Vanya said, shooting Diego a look, somewhere between curious and knowing. “New habit of his?”

“It seems to be,” said Five.

Facing the two of them was like being pinned by the world’s most aristocratic firing squad. They could have been twins in that moment with their straight dark hair, their doll-like prettiness, and their stares boring into Diego’s goddamn soul.

He cleared his throat. “Klaus got me thinking about it, you know. He was grilling me about mine, I was just — curious.”

“Curious about what?” Vanya said.

“My taste in sexual partners,” Five said. “Right?”

“Yeah,” Diego said, wishing like hell he could just sink through the floor.

“My answer from before wasn’t sufficient?”

“I was thinking more, uh, physically,” Diego said.

“Ah,” said Five, leaning back. “Hard to say. I’m largely interested in the body as a mechanism of the mind. Does that make me sound pretentious?”

“Yes,” said Diego and Vanya at the same time.

Five smiled. “Fine, fine. Then I guess… I like being enveloped. I want someone who keeps the whole bed warm.”

Not like Delores, Diego thought, and not like the Handler, who embodied Ice Queen from her silvery hair down to her stiletto heels. He wondered what Ethan had looked like.

“Dark hair,” Five said. “Striking eyes. Good hands. A smile that lights up a room. Someone who looks just as good in a t-shirt and sweats as they do in a bespoke slim-cut suit.”

Diego looked down at his white t-shirt and sweats.

“And — I like someone who looks a little dangerous,” Five said. “The person no one else wants to fuck with.”

Diego wasn’t sure if it was a trick of positioning, but from where he was, Five’s eyes seemed locked on his scar.

“So how’s training going?” Luther said.

“It’s good,” Diego said, rinsing the cast iron pot. He’d ended up staying for dinner, and then it only felt right to offer to do the dishes for Grace when none of his other shithead siblings had bothered.

“You’re over here a lot, you must be making progress.”

“Some,” Diego said. “Vanya’s doing better. She’s really got her shit locked down. I still get hit in the face with shit all the time, Five says it’s because I don’t know how to use them when my fight or flight instinct hasn’t been activated. If I expect it too much, it’s harder to control.”

“That’s interesting,” Luther said, frowning thoughtfully. “Mental preparation makes it _harder_. I can see why that would make training difficult.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. “But Five’s even worse — he’s making the least progress of any of us.”

“Does he have any theories about why?” Luther asked, holding his hand out to take the pot, dish towel at the ready.

“If he does, he hasn’t said,” Diego said.

Luther looked at him. “Do you?”

“Have a theory?”

“Yeah.”

“I think he’s always been driven by lack of options,” Diego said. “He’s made his breakthroughs in the past when he has his back to the wall. Now that he’s got all the time in the world, the conditions aren’t fraught enough.” He scrubbed a serving platter. “Just a theory.”

“It makes sense,” Luther said. “Does he seem upset about it?”

Diego thought about this. Then he said, “Honestly? He seems surprisingly chill.”

“It might be kind of nice to be allowed not to have his back to the wall,” Luther said. “To actually have the time to get better without the fate of humanity hanging in the balance.”

“A world of options rather than a lack,” Diego agreed, smiling a little.

The next day, Diego leaned in Five’s open doorway, rapping his knuckles on the frame to announce his presence.

“Hey,” Five said, looking up from his book. He checked the clock. “You’re early today.”

“I was already in the area,” Diego said.

“Oh, I thought perhaps you came to ask me some more invasive questions about my sexual tastes,” Five said with a smile.

Diego smiled back, unable to help himself. “I could try to come up with some.”

“Not necessary,” Five said. “After all, isn’t it my turn?”

Diego came into the room, straddling Five’s chair backwards and folding his arms over the chair back. “To ask me invasive questions about my sex life?”

“It only seems fair.”

“Alright, hit me up,” Diego said, smirking. “I’m an open book, baby.”

“Admittedly, I have a bit of a head start,” Five said. “I’ve met two of your ex-girlfriends.” He frowned slightly. “Although beyond some basic physical characteristics, I wouldn’t say they’re similar enough to form a trend.”

“I dunno,” Diego said. “They’ve got some things in common.”

Five looked at him, head cocked.

“Headstrong,” Diego said. “Take charge. Impatient with bullshit. But — softer underneath than they want you to realize. They don’t mind getting their hands dirty, but they also look great in a dress and heels and they know it.”

“I see,” Five said. “So would you say that’s your type?”

“I guess,” Diego said slowly. “But it feels shallow. Lila’s more than that. Eudora’s more than that.”

“No one can be summed up in a few pithy observations,” Five said. “Certainly no one worth knowing.”

“Yeah,” Diego said, looking at Five, struck as always by the contrast of his entire being — his boyish prettiness and his crocodilian keen eye; the soft, slender hands that were bathed in blood; his fierce devotion to his family and his snide refusal to show it. “Yeah.”

“Diego,” Five said. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Go ahead,” Diego said.

“Why are you so curious about my taste in men?” Five said.

The sunlight streaming through the window fell perfectly over him — casting haloes in his dark hair, lighting his eyes up almost gold.

“Do you really want to know?” Diego said.

“Yes.”

Diego inhaled. “Klaus wanted me to ask.”

Something shifted in Five’s expression, but Diego couldn’t make sense of what it was. “Klaus?”

“He’s into you, I guess,” Diego said. “But he’s too much of a pussy to ask you himself. You know, he’s so full of his own bullshit that he can’t cope when it’s the real thing.”

“Oh,” Five said. “Klaus?” He frowned slightly. “That’s unfortunate.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t like hurting him,” Five said. “He’s… he bleeds so easily.”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Diego said. “So your answer would hurt him?”

“If he cares as much as you’re intimating, yes.”

Diego hated the sick twist of satisfaction that went through him. He cleared his throat. “I can tell him for you, if you want.”

“No, I’ll talk to him,“ Five said, gaze unfocused, turned somewhere inward. “It feels like the right thing to do.”

“Decent of you,” Diego said. He ran his hand through his hair. “So—“

“Right, sorry. We should start training,” Five said, standing.

“Oh,” Diego said, thrown off. He wasn’t sure what he’d been about to say, but it hadn’t been that. “Yeah. Let’s.”

Guiltily, and feeling distinctly wussy about it, Diego took a certain amount of care in avoiding Klaus the next few times he visited the Academy. He told himself he was allowing Klaus the chance to weather the rejection with dignity, and he even believed it — until he found himself ducking behind a parked car to avoid Klaus on the street.

Unfortunately, Diego looked up after a few seconds and found Klaus standing there watching him with an arched eyebrow, so that plan was a bust from the start.

“Uh, hey,” Diego said. “Not sure I have an excuse for this one.”

“I dunno, our childhood makes a decent ace in the hole,” Klaus said. “It’s why you’re allergic to feelings, which…” He waved at Diego. “Readily apparent right now.”

Diego sighed, straightening up. “Sorry.”

“About Five?” Klaus said. “I’ll live. My therapist says I have a pattern of liking people who don’t want me back as a barrier against intimacy.”

“Christ,” Diego said, massively out of his depth in this conversation. “She sounds like she know what she’s talking about.”

“It’s a guy, actually — interesting to assume otherwise, you might want to investigate that about yourself,” Klaus said.

“I mean, most of the emotionally available people in my life are women, but point taken,” Diego said.

“Ahem!” Klaus said.

“Yeah, but look who else is on that side,” Diego said. “Luther. Five. _Reginald_.”

Klaus paused. “Fair enough. Although Five… I dunno. He can be a surprisingly sensitive little butthead.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. “I offered to be the one to tell you, but… he believes in doing right by people, I guess.”

“That, or he didn’t realize most people would consider it an awkward conversation at all,” Klaus said.

“Equally possible,” Diego said.

Diego reached towards the front door to the Academy, startling when it opened right as his hand neared the handle.

“Oh, sorry,” Vanya said. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Diego said, standing aside to let her by.

She stopped in front of him, tucking her hair behind her ear. “So did you ever tell Klaus?”

“Tell Klaus what?” Diego thought back to the last time he’d seen Vanya. It seemed like ages ago. “Like, about Five’s taste in guys?”

“Yeah,” Vanya said.

“Uh, no,” Diego said. “But—“

“Seriously?” she said, frowning. “Are you going to?”

“Pretty sure it’s not relevant anymore,” Diego said.

“You don’t think that’s a little cruel?” Vanya said. “I think you owe it to him.”

“No, but Five— wait, why do _I_ owe it to him?” Diego said.

“I think it’d be easier to find out from you than from Five, all things considered.”

“Maybe,” Diego said. “But Five wanted to be the one to do it.”

“ _Five_ told Klaus?” Vanya said. “How’d that go over?”

“Fine, I think,” Diego said. “Klaus said afterwards that Five was a surprisingly sensitive little butthead, seemed like a good sign.”

“Huh,” Vanya said. “Now there’s a shocker.” She considered this. “I mean — what did Five even say? How did it go?”

“Klaus didn’t say,” Diego said. “I guess Five told him it wasn’t ever going to happen between them. I’m sure it was too blunt, that’s Five’s MO, but — yeah.” He shrugged. “Their romance died before it even took off. Tragic. See you.” He turned.

Vanya caught his arm. “Wait, _that_ _’_ _s_ what Five told him?”

Diego raised his eyebrows. “Is that a bad thing? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“No, but it’s only half the story,” Vanya said. “I mean, it’s not what I meant before.”

“You wanted me to tell Klaus about Five’s taste in guys,” Diego said. “How it didn’t include stick-bugs with too much eyeliner.”

“I wanted you to tell Klaus that Five’s taste in guys is _you_.”

Diego’s hearing washed out, a peculiar silence taking over him. “What?”

“He’s been flirting with you so obviously I’m surprised your clothes don’t spontaneously catch fire,” Vanya said.

“Christ,” Diego said, his stomach going oddly fizzy, like it was filled with seltzer water. “Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’m serious,” Vanya said. “I thought you should be the one to tell Klaus because it would be gross to date Five behind his back, I didn’t realize you were being _this much_ of a blockhead about it. Jesus Christ.”

“This is why I thought his therapist was a woman,” Diego said.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Diego said. “Look, I admit I might not be entirely immune to Five’s dubious charms. But you’re acting like it’s a done deal.”

“I don’t know,” Vanya said. “Ever since he came back — especially since he got his body sorted out… It feels like it may as well be. The way you look at each other — I mean, sometimes you two talk and it’s like there’s no one else in the room.”

Forget seltzer water — Diego’s stomach was filled with Mentos and Diet Coke.

“I’ll think about it,” he said.

He thought about it.

Diego threw the door to Klaus’s room, stalking inside.

“Uh oh,” Klaus said, looking up from where he seemed to be shredding a shirt into something that was not a shirt. “What did I do this time?”

“How much do you like him?” Diego said. “When you see him, does your stomach drop out? Do you store up things that you think might interest him to talk to him about?”

“Yes,” Klaus said.

“Are you endeared by all the annoying shit he does? Do you think it’s cute when he gets that pedantic snotty professor voice, and when he throws his coffee cups on the ground, and takes things from your room without asking?”

“I mean—“

“Would you make room in your life for him? Do you plan your future with him in it?”

Klaus opened his mouth, then paused.

“Do you wake up in a cold sweat thinking about the 45 years he spent alone in a goddamn wasteland and have your hands twitch because of how badly you want to hold him against your body and let him feel your warmth?”

Klaus was silent.

“Would you give up the booze for him? Would you go clean?”

“Diego,” Klaus said.

“If you do — if you care that much… If you ask me to, I won’t —“ Diego inhaled, feeling suddenly empty, his fervor drained. “Just tell me.”

“You can ask him out,” Klaus said.

Diego looked at him, trying to read past his thickly lined eyes to whatever he was thinking behind them.

“Really,” Klaus said, answering the question he hadn’t asked. “I mean it. I’m giving you permission.”

“You’re sure?” Diego said, very soft.

Klaus smiled, small but genuine. “I’m sure. Because — no. I didn’t like him _that_ much. But you do.”

“God, I really fucking do,” Diego said, running his hand through his hair.

“Exactly,” Klaus said.

Diego was waiting for Five in the basement; he straightened up when Five warped downstairs, and Five raised his eyebrows. “I thought I was training with Vanya today.”

“She’s busy,” Diego said.

“Doing what?”

“Not being here,” Diego said.

Five raised his eyebrows nearly imperceptibly. “I see.”

“We weren’t done with our conversation,” Diego said.

“We weren’t?”

“Are you being intentionally combative?” Diego said.

“Am I?” Five said.

Diego threw a bottle cap at him.

“I might be,” Five said. “Pray continue.”

“I didn’t actually tell you anything about my type that time you asked,” Diego said. “If you still want to know.”

He held his breath, staying firm under Five’s measuring look and not allowing himself to avoid his gaze. Finally, Five nodded. “I’m still curious.”

“Smart,” Diego said immediately.

“Which kind of smart?”

“All kinds of smart,” Diego said. “Every single kind, I’m so goddamn easy for it. And I’m not gonna lie, I like them pretty, but pretty’s worthless if you don’t have a spine and some teeth behind the smile.”

“Lila,” Five said.

“Among others,” Diego said. “I like people who are dangerous and feisty and who need taking care of even if they don’t like to admit it. Yeah,” he added, “I’ve got a martyr complex, Klaus tells me all the time, I know.”

Five half-smiled.

“My guy doesn’t have to care about the same things as I do, but he has to care about _something_ ,” Diego said. “Sincerity, you know? Things have to matter. I’m sick of people who take the easy way out.”

“You have high expectations for your beau,” Five said.

“I do,” Diego said, looking squarely into Five’s eyes.

Five chewed on the corner of his lip. Then he said, “What about physical traits?”

“I like twinks,” Diego said immediately.

Five flipped him off, but he was smiling.

“Nah, in all honesty, I like all sorts,” Diego said, smiling back. “Girls, guys, tall, short, whatever.”

“Some specificity would be appreciated,” Five said.

“Fine, I guess I like… lean and tough and wiry. Elegantly pretty, with those high cheekbones, you know, the aristocratic look. And big eyes and cock-sucking lips go a long way, not gonna lie, but I go _stupid_ for a guy with dimples,” Diego said.

Five smiled, his dimple carved into his cheek like marble.

Diego looked down at his hands. “Can I add another personality trait?”

“Go on.”

“They’ve gotta be patient with me when it’s hard for me to get the words out,” Diego said. “I’m not so good at that.”

Five reached across the table and laid his hand over Diego’s so he would stop fidgeting with a bottle cap. “What if I say the words for you, and you correct me if I’m off-base?”

Diego looked up at him.

“You weren’t asking for Klaus,” Five said. “You were using Klaus as an excuse to ask.”

Heart in his throat, Diego nodded.

“You’re so full of your own bullshit you can’t cope when it’s the real thing,” Five said.

Diego gave a hoarse little laugh. “Yeah,” he said. “That’s about the measure of it.”

“You and he aren’t so different,” Five said.

“I bleed so easily,” Diego said quietly.

“Lucky for you, I’m not the one who faints at the sight of blood,” Five said, leaning forward in his chair.

“Needles!” Diego protested, but he couldn’t defend his honor once Five had his lips stopped up with a kiss.

“Tell me what you like,” Diego said when he had his hand curled around the base of Five’s cock and his lips brushing over the head with every word.

“Jesus — fuck,” Five said shakily, his knee tightening over Diego’s shoulder. “I’d like my dick in your mouth, that’s what I’d like.”

“No, tell me what you _like_ ,” Diego said, looking up into Five’s eyes. “Tell me what other people have done to you that blows your mind, and then I’ll do it better.”

“I have to do this, ah, _now_?” Five said, voice cracking when Diego lapped at the slit of his cock with his tongue.

Diego smirked up at him. “When better?”

“Jesus, effing, Christ,” Five said, three distinct clauses, hips jerking up in time with each word. “Fucking menace—“

“Tell me,” Diego said, voice low, working his hand slowly up and down the shaft.

“Maybe I like it — nnh — quick and dirty,” Five said, eyelashes fluttering. “Maybe I like when people just fucking _suck my dick_ without teasing, Jesus!”

“I think we both know that’s not true,” Diego said, tracing his lower lip with Five’s cock, leaving it shiny and slick with precome. “Is it?”

Five’s eyes were locked on his lower lip with an expression of glazed torment. “No — God help me, it’s not,” he breathed out.

“I know,” Diego said, and in one slow slide he had Five’s cock sheathed fully down his throat, a move afforded by his breath-holding ability and honed over years of practice.

Five nearly tipped off the chair, holding himself up by his grip on Diego’s hair alone. “Fuck, _fuck_ , fucking fuck!”

Diego pulled off, looking up at him.

“I like that,” Five breathed out, eyes glassy.

“Good,” Diego said, kissing the tip of his cock.

“One finger or two?” Diego said, pausing with his slick fingers tracing Five’s rim.

Five, strewn beautifully over the table, glared at him through his sweaty bangs. “God — anything, you prick, whatever you give me—“

“But which you like better?” Diego said, dipping the very tip of one finger inside. “You like it slow and gentle, baby, or do you want it to burn a little? Do you want to be indulged or do you want to be _pushed_? You like when it’s just right, or you like when it’s too much?”

“Nnh, two,” Five said, hand flying up and latching onto Diego’s bicep. “Give me two, I want—“

Diego pushed two fingers into him at once.

“ _Christ_ _—_ _!_ _”_ Five’s back arched off the table entirely, held up by his shoulders and his legs around Diego’s waist.

“Yeah, you like that,” Diego murmured.

“Tell me—“ Diego panted.

“I like — it, I like — everything you’re — doing, don’t stop, don’t stop,” Five said, words jolted out of him in sharp staccato with every thrust.

“But do you prefer—“ Diego started, but a broken cry from Five cut him off.

“I don’t _know_ ,” Five said, tightening the clamp of his knees around Diego’s torso. “I swear, I don’t know, don’t stop — no one’s ever —“

Diego’s entire body went hot. “No one’s ever…?”

“Nnh, I’ve been fucked, but — not like this,” Five said, eyes wet and wild. “They fucked me, but you’re — Jesus! — _fucking_ me, I can’t — they don’t compare, I can’t — frame of reference, aah, I can’t!“

“Oh, sweetheart,” Diego said, and he planted his hands on the table on either side of Five’s body for leverage, letting him deepen his strokes, fucking Five so hard his body kept skidding up the smooth table surface.

“Christ, you’ve got me — incoherent,” Five said. “Sorry if—”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Diego said, lowering his mouth to Five’s ear. “I _like_ that.”

He wrapped a hand around Five’s cock, stroking in rhythm — relishing in the way Five whimpered, beyond words.

Diego whistled as he came up the steps into the Academy, swinging open the door and walking inside — and finding Five in the parlor with Klaus’s head in his lap again.

“Oh, uh,” Diego said, stopping dead. “Hey.”

Five looked up. “Hey.”

“Hey, stud,” Klaus said, eyes closed as Five continued running his fingers through his hair. “Here to visit your favorite brother?”

“Uh,” Diego said, instead of _yes_. “Five and I were going to go kayaking.”

“Oh, fab,” Klaus said. “Give me a few minutes to slather on some sunscreen and I’ll be ready in a jif.”

Diego looked at Five, eyebrow raised.

“Shithead,” Five said.

“You love me,” Klaus said.

“So this is how it’s gonna be, huh?” Diego said.

“It took about three minutes after Five staggered into the kitchen for breakfast with a whompin’ hickey and the most egregious sex hair I’ve ever seen in my _life_ for me to decide that, yes,” Klaus said.

“Christ,” Diego said. “Man, you know I’m—“

“Sorry? You should be. I can only think of one thing that would help me get past the betrayal,” Klaus said.

Diego braced himself.

“You’re gonna have to fuck in front of me,” Klaus said, very seriously.

Diego snorted. “You didn’t really think that was going to work.”

“It was worth a shot.”

“Does your therapist also tell you you’re a masochist?”

“What do you think the answer to that is?”

“But seriously,” Diego said. “Are we… good?”

“We’re good,” Klaus said, smiling a little. “We’ll be better if you just make out in front of me a little.”

Rolling his eyes, Diego looked at Five. “So, ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Five said, standing. “Bye, Klaus.”

“Bye, vile traitors,” Klaus said cheerfully, flopping back out on the couch.

Once they were around the corner, Diego reeled Five in with an arm around his waist and kissed him sweet and slow. Five allowed it, but squirmed away with a laugh when Diego danced his fingers down his sides.

“Watch the hands, bud,” he said.

“You like my hands,” Diego said, settling them on Five’s hips and squeezing.

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me on [my new tua tumblr!](https://achilleees-tua.tumblr.com/) if you talk to me now on anon i'll actually answer, so please feel free to come chat tua or give me any prompts, my inbox is open~


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